tsvetoslav shalev

“What day is it?” asked Pooh.
“It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
“My favorite day,” said Pooh.”
― A.A. Milne

Hey there. It’s me. Struggling to find the right words, I am. Again and again distracting myself with random nonsense, anything and everything.. just don’t make me face the empty page with nothing to show for. Oh, life has and still is happening to me. Weekdays are filled with professional work, gym-going, streaming on Twitch, making videos for YouTube, working with physiotherapists, planning my own business. Busybody for the sake of busywork. It all feels superfluous.

You know what, though? At least I don’t miss you. A small mercy. I don’t miss talking to you in my head, this succession of emotional deadends. Sure, I haven’t stopped thinking about love, but at this point in time, all of the energy and desire I have for it, are manifested through a weary, knowing smile. Yes, that is all I can spare. And so, drinking you in with my mind’s eye I smile at the impossibility of it all. Still, in the physical limitations that divide us so, in the tender pauses between words of care, in the uneven gaps between unfinished thoughts, bright patches of passion’s dappled light can be made out. However little it may be, it will have to do me.

All of this is to say that although we could resign ourselves to a life of solitude, we oughtn’t presume that the flame of yearning has all but died out. It’s so effortless to get enamoured, we remain excitable until the very end. Or so I like t think.