tsvetoslav shalev

“Humans who retain judgement will outlast those who outsource thinking.”

~ ChatGPT

accompanying tune

The surrounding landscape beyond the confines of my makeshift office at my parents’ home in Bulgaria, seems to affect me more than I am willing to admit. When a second wave of sub-zero temperatures and flurries of snow hit earlier this month, my initial reaction was one of wonder. For a few days afterwards, with a significant portion of the country tucked neatly under a foot—or more—of powdery snow, a momentary lull of contentment seemed to take hold. All the dirt and grime and imperfections—gone. The number of vehicles on the roads dramatically reduced, their top speeds matching those of a brisk walk. Parents pushing or dragging their children on sleighs; an air of giddiness and mirth as infectious as the wave of flu that followed shortly thereafter, now filling hospital corridors and drugstores nationwide.

Three weeks earlier, I was served a reality check during my end-year review: my request for an extended stay abroad was denied. I was urged to return to the UK with immediate effect – the words uttered in a friendly, casual and even apologetic way, but also utterly uninterested in my internal geography…

Against my will, my thirty-ninth cycle around the Sun draws close. This time I have planned something special. After decades of quiet interest, I have finally decided to meet reality halfway and visit Japan for the first time. One month is what I have set aside—half of it already planned, however roughly. The intention is to skirt Tokyo and Kyoto in favour of paths less travelled, as if that were even possible in a country that now sees tens of millions of tourists annually. I am likely one too many, yet I hope there is still room for me.

Although my intentions are good, I am cognisant that I will stand out—not only for my appearance, but also for my pedestrian grasp of the language. Sometimes, during Japanese practice, I question how I ever became this intimate with the English language. At times it felt as though the learning happened in my sleep. Within months of first moving to London, even my first manager noticed the improvement—not only in vocabulary, but in diction. Yet place me before a mixture of kanji, katakana, and hiragana, and even the simplest sentence makes my eyes cross. The ineptitude drives me toward frustration. But is the effort sincere? Or am I merely checking a box for the day? When did the English language stop being foreign to me? Or has it?

You can probably tell, this attempt at knitting a coherent narrative of my life over the past few months, isn’t all that great. In fact, it’s quite barebones when compared with all that’s happened. Nobody to blame but myself for the prolonged radio silence. The merciless awkwardness that precedes it doesn’t make things any easier, either. Still, if anything, I am a trier! I need it.. I need to find my voice. For my sake, first and foremost.