tsvetoslav shalev

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”
― Khalil Gibran

If we’re living on borrowed time and our hearts are containers, why return them unused? That they cannot always remain full is understandable. Of course. But to intentionally keep them empty, no matter the reason, would be a shame. I vaguely recall a short documentary about a woman potter, native of South Korea. Her take on the craft, especially where bowls, plates, and cups are concerned, was that they made no sense when empty. Instead, they should hold food or beverages. Reaching such a conclusion on one’s own is a paradigm shift. And yet, some of us remain passive in all matters of the heart. Looking back on the last 17 years of my life, I’ve had only 4 or 5 timid attempts at reaching out to another. That’s a sentence or two once every 2 years, while the rest of the time I wander through a desert of my own making, calling it lush. What’s my excuse, you wonder? The usual, for someone socially awkward, physically meh, and sexually inexperienced. Did I mention aging? That too. But, there’s also the fact that I do not know what a female representative of our species could possibly need from me, specifically. For you see, I am primed and ready to answer a call, yet have limited to no understanding of how to best sell myself. Playing the King of Hearts card alone doesn’t seem to do it, but I am not complaining.

And so, imagine my surprise when of all the living things I’ve been in contact with the last few years, it’s the neurotic, extraverted and impulsive cat, that which reciprocates in my attempts to do good and share in kind affection. From the moment my brother brought Oliver (the cat in the photo cover) over, to the day they had to take him back, every possible emotion had a chance to sweep me over. Some, more than once. First it was reluctance, thinking about the chores involved in looking after another living creature. Then it was fear, when he disappeared out of sight for a couple of hours, resulting in my getting a panic attack, imagining he’d escaped through one of the opened windows in my living room (was actually hiding inside my couch’s internals). Sadness, thinking my efforts to befriend another wouldn’t make a difference yet again. Relief, when I saw him sleeping on the recliner I’d covered with a blanket. Confusion when he kept refusing different kinds of expensive food, prompting me to spend hours online and in local shops, searching for answers. Concern borne out of his aggressive overgrooming, resulting in a small bald patch (emergency vet confirmed it was stress). Warmth, when he started coming to me of his own volition, asking for pats and scratches, sleeping comfortably in my presence. That one week, a cat was more important to me than my own wellbeing. In just one week of interactions, I learned that I tend to overcompensate for ineptitude, that I spoil those under my care recklessly, and that I wouldn’t make for a good father. Most importantly, however, I learned that cats can be clingy and affectionate in a way that makes some of us feel codependent. Now, more than ever before, I understand why people run the marathons, set up charities, and adopt other living things – it perspectives the f*ck out of our own experience of life.

So, will I be getting myself a cat? Absolutely not, although this hijacking of my mind surprised me pleasantly. But why?! Won’t a pet make the remainder of your life less lonely? Not necessarily. Complementary to a life shared with another human, sure. Never supplementary to one. While looking after Oliver did offer a brief respite from existential angst, it is I who anthropomorphized the relationship. We are the ones embellishing the reality for personal mental gains. I don’t want to attach to a creature that needs me, but cannot partake in my wants and latent needs in return. Or am I making yet another excuse out of fear? Fear of losing someone or something I learn to love. You’ll have formed your own opinions by now. Until next time – keep safe. 🙏