Ask me about beforehand, and I am at a loss; question me about afterwards, and I cannot give you an answer. Only the middle part, which has forgotten beforehand and taken leave of afterwards, is unadorned and clear. It feels rather as if lightning were to tear through the darkness, fall on to my eyebrows and then disappear.
– Natsume Soseki, The Tower of London
By listening carefully, we can bring someone into existence. These are not my words, but they apply to reading, too. Alas, as of recently, my stream of consciousness resembles the colour of the river Yangtze at its murkiest. Doubt, inadequacy, fatigue, listlessness and a pinch of misery. No poetic bone in me to save my life! So, if You find my latest musings too drab for Your taste, I understand. A capable cook will scrape the bottom of a pan and conjure some finger-licking goodness to add to a dish. I have all the intention and the sensitivity, yet little of the experience or the ability. By the time I am done, the dishwasher alone will not do.
The best part about a life shared with someone who knows and appreciates all things finely distinct is the newfound beauty made visible to both. Love and attention need one another, an interchangeable key-lock mechanism that profoundly affects our species. One other ingredient of enormous importance is narrative. The stories we tell, not just to others but also to ourselves, help shape clusters of inter-subjective “reality”. That’s right: truthiness permeates our lives. Some try and shatter misconception, others seek ways to benefit from our proclivity for apophenia (“the tendency to perceive a connection or meaningful pattern between unrelated or random things”); many accept matters as they are. Personally, I struggle with the latter. Hard to do so when a significant portion of my cognitive capacity is reserved for mortal prescience and the many forms of anxiety that follow suit. I was never one to rush in the early stages of my life. A literal ball of impatience when it came to immediate gratification (usually, an object of want, i.e. candy, games, pocket money), but never one to fret about relationships and how people perceive me. Those of us struggling with how our body looks and/or functions know the effects of a reflective surface on an imagination already overburdened with minutiae.
Oh, there I am. My left leg looks funny. Need to adjust it. I don’t like the way my belly sticks out further than my chest. Gotta tilt my head back a little, stretch my neck so the loose skin is less apparent. And the shoulder, slanted. Stand up straight! Now push this back. Deep breaths. Damn, people want selfies with me! Am I smiling too much, too little? How is my neck? Can others see that my hair is thinning? Scalp itches – did I take my medicine? I should probably call my private healthcare company and get more pills. Suck the belly in! Breathe in, breathe out. It’s okay. Nobody cares, but everyone can see me. What do they see? Ah, a pretty girl. No, she wouldn’t glance at me a second time. Did I use enough deodorant? I look tired. Deep breaths, nobody cares. She left the carriage – disaster averted! You are being silly! Need to get out, need some fresh air. Make sure to pull left leg and rotate ankle so my gait looks normal, but my knees do their own thing…_
Many well-meaning individuals claim that personality is what truly matters when all is said and done. But we need to remember how powerful a visual stimulus is. It’s impossible to convey a lifetime of love and dedication to a partner unless they give you a chance by taking a life-changing risk themselves. You can, however, feel decades of emotion and intent distilled in true works of art. The more intricate a thing of beauty is, the greater the pleasure of experiencing it. Irrespective of thought and feeling, physical appearance must be likened to art. Just think of the staggering number of variables which result in shapes that evoke a reaction, at first, then a lifelong reference to alternative realities rendered inert. An entire universe comes into being, so you and I can be born. Alien even to ourselves, and still, some of us find a way to attract one another. The keyword is ‘some’.
You know what I am going to say next, right? Yes, I am the last person on Earth to be giving relationship advice. But no, we should not succumb to despair. Allow yourself to be tired, confused, exacerbated, and deflated. Yet, keep your heart and mind engaged; try, should an opportunity present itself. I did, recently, and while the rejection was swift and concise – her mind, made up in a matter of seconds, a shake of a head full of hair the colours of yellow and rust, determined eyes looking straight at mine, and an audible ‘No.’ leaving her thin pale lips – it was also.. real. Even when it hurts, I’m digging this thing called ‘reality’. Go figure.
tsvetoslav shalev 
Leave a comment