He had been “away,” “absent,” for an unconscionable time. Not in a sleep, not in a trance, but deeply submerged. And now that he had emerged, those years were a blank. It was not amnesia, not “disorientation”; his higher cerebral functions, his mind, had been “out” for seven years. How would he react to the knowledge that he had lost seven years, and that much of what was exciting, important, dear to him had passed irretrievably away? That he himself was no longer contemporary but a piece of the past, an anachronism, a fossil strangely preserved?
– Oliver Sacks, Everything in its Place: First Loves and Last Tales
Ah, the month of August! With its carpets of faded ochre and brittle gold. Sun peeking shyly from behind curtains of black nickel. My mind is always on September, but I cannot deny the feast I am presented with wherever my feet choose to carry me these days. You know: awkwardly, clumsily, but most of all – slowly. A small mercy, the fact that so many will be born and grow up in the concrete jungles of tomorrow. They won’t miss the delicate splendour of the seasons. Random indoor greenery? More like a pretty distraction rather than an integral part of one’s well-being. The last vestige of what once was either enjoyed or ignored by so many. My therapist tells me that I should learn to capture this sense of awe for the wondrous facets of the natural world. Discover a way to draw from it and summon whatever subtle vitality it might possess when “the going gets tough”. Am I doing it right?
Since announcing my departure from my current employer, people have been so very kind to me. An outpouring of praise and support unlike any I’ve experienced in forever. Directors and execs of all branches, either emailing, DMing, or asking to see me in person. Inquiring about my plans, about the immediate future. Offering to write recommendations and request to connect on LinkedIn. And then, just this Friday, one of the teams within the business offered me a new position, more money, and complete freedom of work location/days and hours. In a one-to-one call with me, their manager admitted, “My team would’ve never forgiven me if we let you walk out”.
Even now, replaying this conversation in my head makes me feel ashamed. Those of us locked in the Sisyphean struggle of considering themselves adequate, let alone capable, know what I speak of. Another word for this state – Impostor Syndrome. A more philosophical outlook on the matter: we can always do things a little better. We could always do more. Some say I sell myself short. I underestimate my abilities, and I portray myself in an unfavourable light. And this time around, I get the sense that they might be right. No, there is no newfound reserve of confidence nor a spark of self-love. That would be stretching things too far. I don’t feel like I’m the One (NEO!) or that Fate is smiling favourably on me because I’ve always been an excellent little atheist. Life ebbs away from me just the same, leaving behind a blank slate of wet sand where my feet had been treading mere moments before; witness marks on the oldest timepiece of all. And we do this dance, don’t we all? Until we can no longer hear the music playing, and strength trades place with crippling weakness.
And where is love in all of this? I ask again. Dust and cobwebs have all but settled comfortably on my personal life. I am still getting charged for my Match premium account, despite having deleted the app and the profile some time ago. These businesses are predatory and so damn cruel, dealing in people’s emotions and dreams as if they were some cheap commodity. Once again, I am appalled by such malpractices, but any anger – fizzes out of me faster than a can of Coke left open for a couple of days. Who knows? With this new job opportunity on the horizon and a potential purchase of a new house (to be announced later this month), I’ll finally have the motivation to write more stories. Meaningful stories. Interesting is asking too much.
This space will continue to be Ads-free. And I just need to find a way to reward your special attention better.
Thank you for sticking with me.
tsvetoslav shalev 
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